Mom

She hasn't been a great parent to me, and I don't want her repeating those patterns with my future kids.

Although cruelty is never okay, it’s not the worst thing in the world for your kids to see some of your mother’s more immature behavior, because they will witness you kindly setting boundaries, and develop the capacity to understand people as not all good or all bad. So if your mother makes her usual comments, that’s a great opportunity to talk with your kids about the different ways in which you and their grandmother think about food and bodies. The point is that as you grow into parenthood, you’ll start to see that as much as you’d like to, you can’t protect your kids from the world—they’ll be exposed to all kinds of views, opinions, and personality types. You can let her know that name-calling isn’t something you allow in your house—not to you, your husband, or your kids. Jack and I have also been talking a lot about the kind of family we’d like our kids to grow up in, and I thought I’d share that with you both too. For instance, if your mom lashes out when she feels judged, you can remind her that it’s very important to you that the adults model respect for one another and that you’re happy to discuss the issue privately. I have some exciting news, and because Jack and I are giving so much thought to this, I want to share it with you in this letter. That’s because bringing those things up is likely to be counterproductive—your mom might not be able to really hear you, and your dad might be too conflict-avoidant to back you up. I say protect yourself because the best way to protect your children is to be a sturdy presence that makes them feel safe. Because your mother might feel singled out if you address this only to her, I suggest addressing it to both of your parents. Is it inappropriate to ask her to see a therapist as a condition for being present in the lives of my children? The good news, though, is that there’s a difference between blackmail and boundaries—and that’s where your agency as a parent comes in.